can't wait for friday.

again, all it needed was embracing the Here and Now.

i'm loving this vacation. i like it that i'm sort of disconnecting from manila (although i still have to check my office email from time to time). i'd rather play with the kids and hang out with my parents than watch tv. i've been playing a lot of mario kart on DS though, because the little boy wants me to win the courses for me.

i'm still jetlagging but it's okay. this week the kids will be with their mom so i have time to sleep. i need full energy starting next week, when we pick up kuya's kids in virginia for their christmas break. papuy will be here with me so i don't need to worry about cooking for the kids, but i wanna be cool aunt when they're all together so i want to come up with lots of games and activities for them (i'm a type A tita). and i'd like to spend quality time with each of them.

okay, time for bed.

things i need to do before the 12th:
1. finish proofreading the manuals and finalize document for printing
2. update project files (shucks marami yun)
3. buy the rest of the stuff in mama's shopping list
4. make pompoms for friday
5. clean my apartment
6. pack my suitcases
7. pay the phone and credit card bills
8. (most important) send the forms

waaaaah. i need a sidekick to help me do some of these.

punta na ako sa office.

I hope this helps us shift to an ecologically sustainable way of life.

My current favorite website:

www.morningcoach.com

Check it out!

...but it feels i've been there for a long time already. the magic remains amidst the stress and the load. i wonder what will happen on year 3. i hope everything will be much much better.

got me wayne the wii today (thanks to the SM advantage card sale!). ma thinks i don't need one because i'm too old for it, but after playing tonight i realized it's a great de-stressor. i have yet to buy games, but before i get mario and cooking mama, i'll buy a wii fit. i need that more than games. (that shows how "old" i think - yoga muna bago games hehe).

time to work on my presentation for tomorrow!

i went back to work today after a week of being on sick leave. we still don't know if the cause of my on and off fever was viral or bacterial (typhoid, round 2). i'd like to believe it was viral. (i don't like antibiotics.)

i will be taking it easy at work in the coming days. school's kinda stressful this month, and i can only write stuff in bullets tonight. tomorrow my groupmate and i will pull an all-nighter to finish the class paper due saturday. good luck to us. i am hoping for a kwatro for this subject, because i love this class and i think it's one of the more important subjects in the program.

i thought i'd go on residency this coming term. i still signed up for management science. ngek. geeky.

i am seriously considering going on LOA next term. there's so much to do at work - my 2 projects are closing this year (and one will close with a high-level final workshop), 1 confirmed mission trip, an unconfirmed mission trip (which i want to happen more than the confirmed trip), and I have to put a lot of things in place so I can keep up with my new but still unofficial TOR.

i've told some of my friends, boss, co-workers and my EIA class that i'm going on LOA, but i also don't want to get much more delayed in finishing my program. i just remind myself of what one of my dearest friends said to me - that i'm not going on leave from school because i've lost interest in it, but because i'm learning how to prioritize. learning will now come from work, especially now that i'm getting started on the technical stuff (yay!).

i should make a decision by next week. if i decide to go on LOA, i will probably supplement being out of school by reading books. should probably read the sachs books and buy the new kibben book. (yes, most of my new books now are on environmental economics, globalization, and sustainable development.) and i've to review macroeconomics. if i will go to school this term, bahala na how i'll balance school and work.

bahala na. whether i sign up for at least one class or go on LOA, nerd mode pa rin naman ako.

my cousin cleaned my apartment last weekend, and i'm soooo glad this place is finally "functional". everything's in order, although i still don't know where she kept some of my things. i am using my desk again, and i am enjoying the wonders of wireless connections (thanks to my friend, whose airport express i'm using because he won't need to use this until september). i just need to buy an ergonomic chair because i think i got the dimensions all wrong when i had this desk made. and fix the wireless connection of my printer.

i am almost done with my presentation for thursday on social constructionism of environmental problems. it took a while before i understood what i need to talk about. thank God i found the hannigan book by accident in the library, even before i realized that i'll need it for my discussion. i'm also thankful that this book is readable, unlike the journal article which i'm supposed to discuss because it's so full of jargon and names that are unfamiliar to me.

my bed is so full of paper. i should start clearing it now.

2005 was the year of my emotional roller coaster. it started off well and blissfully, but towards the middle of the year things turned ugly. i remember feeling a host of heavy emotions then that didn't make sense and made me feel awful about myself. i felt judged, and i judged myself, my experience, and other people who were caught in this seemingly ugly situation. very few friends were entrusted with the story of what i went through then, which i shared with very little understanding of what it really was. i couldn't remember exactly how i described it, but i am sure that the categories i used were as limited as my perception of what i was going through.

slowly, the meaning of those events were revealed. as my perception of that period in my life changed and became clearer, so did my perspective about life and human relationships. still, there were unanswered questions, which i have learned to surrender to the Great Mystery. once in a while i received reminders to be patient, to just allow the story to unravel itself. the memory of 2005 hurt from time to time, and it was only recently that i dared myself to face my fear of that period, and thankfully i discovered that i have let go of most of the hurt.

tonight, some of my questions about 2005 were answered. i was supposed to catch up on reading and start working on my presentation, but i ended up talking on the phone for two hours to listen to my friend's story. i am thankful for his discoveries about his story, and as he and i engaged in our jungian conversations, i was having my own "aha!" experience about 2005.

those "aha!" thoughts pointed to one insight: that i had to go through that time of my life as it will free me from my limited perception of who i am. it is when i break free from this that i will journey towards integration. i remember early that year i told a few friends that i desire wholeness, and months later i went through these major relationship upheavals that broke my heart. it was my pain then that made me decide to let go of certain mindsets and unhealthy relationship dynamics, and i was somehow liberated from my emotional baggages from a long time ago.

for all that happened, i am grateful. i'd like to believe that i have become wiser and more compassionate and loving than i was before. i also know there's still so much to learn and discover and accept about God's mysterious ways, my self, and human relationships. there are still lessons to be encountered before i reach the wholeness i have always desired. i look forward to the lessons, but i hope that this time they will come in simpler, quieter ways.

love and gratitude!

perhaps if i befriend my shadows, life will be easier and simpler. my shoulds have their place, but it's time to let them go.

*

these lines from bukas palad's "pilgrim's theme" came to mind as i described to a friend what i've come to realize about my life situation, and why I am in it:


Should I even be surprised that You're with me in disguise
For it's Your hand I have seen in the greater scheme of things

For Yours is the voice in my deepest dreams
You are the heart, the very heart
Of the greater scheme of things

Why don't we follow the voice that calls within
Dance to the silent song it sings
One day we'll find our place
For all things fall in place
For all things have a place
In the greater scheme of things

*

i agree with my friend's assessment, that being with my midlifer friends is contributing to the occasional feeling of restlessness, as my life's goal is to be at peace and experience integration. i remember i once said to my master yoda that i look forward to the day that i will be like her - free, peaceful, integrated. whenever we say that to her she reminds us that she went on decades of learning and unlearning a lot of things before she reached her current state of being. i sometimes forget that my midlifer friends have gained wisdom and their peace through the hits and misses in their own lives, and that i, too, must go through my own set of experiences that will teach me how to just be. i cannot rush my process. my time will come.

*

once in a while, i use iyanla vanzant's "everyday i pray" in the mornings when i feel like using a different prayer format. her words are simple and heartfelt, and her prayers speak of the universal experiences. i remember giving a copy to my mom for christmas in 2004, and a few months later, when i went through a personal crisis, she emailed me prayers from this book. master yoda also used two of her prayers, "please untie my knots" and "prayer for self-forgiveness" in one of our retreats, which helped us let go of our judgments of ourselves. i got my own copy in 2006 as a birthday present from one of my closest friends. it's one of my favorite books, and it sits on my night table with my breviary.

*

love and gratitude to God for a wonderful day of work, abundance, friendship, fellowship and discoveries. may tomorrow be another good day of new beginnings. i pray for peace within and without for all of creation. amen.

• My closest friend is in town for the weekend, and I’m so glad we had the chance to talk tonight. There was so much to share about the past 8 days, and it was when I was talking about what has been happening to me at work, a renewed relationship, insights about school, and my conversations with our friends that I was able to come up with a very short description of where I am in my journey – I am at peace with my restlessness.

• School is making life interesting for me. After each class I get more convinced that I found my place. There’s so much to discover and explore, and while I may have started quite late in my discovery, I am finding ways to secure my place in the field.

• There’s so much to read for my classes, and there’s so much background reading I need to do. Why didn’t I take up econ 11 in college? And what’s a good econ textbook to read? I’m still too proud to buy Economics for Dummies (if there’s such a book).

• I have been generating a number of ideas to make things easier at work, and some of those that I have shared are being considered. I am surprised at my boldness to offer my ideas.

• Soon after the routine with the division boss about my workload, where he somewhat implied that I should stay longer in our department, a research position opened in another department. I applied for it because it’s connected to the field I’ve chosen to specialize in. After my direct supervisor/mentor gave me her inside info on my application (which I had a sense would be brought up by HR), I haven’t heard from HR about the status of my application. I still hope that I get the position because the terms of reference or TOR (our equivalent of the job description) matches my inclination. If this isn’t meant for me, I have an alternative that I am still praying for.

• I tried to re-learn basic French by enrolling in lunchtime lessons at work, but with the current workload+schoolwork, and my discovery that the grad school I’m considering applying for requires German, I dropped out of my class after 3 sessions. Sayang ang classes sa office, but I need to use my lunchbreaks in other ways.

• I’m still trying to find the right schedule for my weeklong leave, when I’ll organize all the closets and cabinets at home (2 days) and detox (4 days). My apartment’s a mess and I’ve been eating unhealthy food these past weeks. Although I’m more accepting of my reality that I am busy, I still long for time to just be at home and get rid of clutter.

• The next best thing to being with my family is video chat. We're finally able to chat on weekends, when the kids are at my parents'. The kids have show-and-tell when we chat. They tell me about their day and the shows they love watching. My four-year-old nephew and I play online, and he's been telling me and my mom that he wants to come over and sleep in my house. Cute!

Happy Sunday!

lotsa reasons to be happy. and i am, even if i'm super tired from work. i'm in a good place now because my assignment matches my inclinations and desired career path.

i've decided to take only one class this term, so it might take a loooong time before i finish my program. there's also this other field of study i'm looking at, which is related to my current master's program, and will hopefully help me get into other kinds of development work.

i haven't gone to my doctor for my detox/acupuncture/myotherapy these past 2 weeks, and i've been eating pork and sweets again. argh. will have to be kinder to my body so i can live through the rest of the week.

i've been watching old home videos of my nephews and nieces lately. darn it, i'm getting homesick again! i'm really hoping to visit my family this year, because i have a feeling there will be a lot of changes in my life next year that it might not be easy to visit. i have to save, save, save.

i can't wait to get broadband at home.

my back's killing me. i'm going home now.

got this from a colleague.  this kinda sums up what's been happening to me for almost 2 years, but i'm thankful for wonderful bosses who are helping me get into the career direction i have decided to take. 

and i like my paid overtime. :-)

--------------------

My Life as an Executive (Administrative) Assistant

I can take 2 phone calls, set up an excel spreadsheet, book a conference call and send several emails - all at the same time. Simultaneously, I can review 2 inboxes, update 2 calendars, book dinner for 7 with parking, location map and 2 vegetarian options, knock up a PowerPoint presentation, courier a package and book three hotel rooms and three flights. I speak all languages and have visited all the countries in the world: I therefore know every beach and every hotel. I know all local customs and visa and vaccination requirements for all nationalities and countries. I am personally responsible for the food on the flight, for traffic jams, broken hire cars, overbooked planes, late taxis, the weather, possible war and unrest, as well as the economic situation and adverse currency exchange rate fluctuations. I possess magical powers which enable me to get a room in a fully booked hotel and seats on fully booked planes and trains. I can also arrange for planes to start and land at your desired destinations at your preferred times. I know that - even though you asked me to book you a flight for Friday - you really wanted to travel on Saturday. Also, if you arrange a meeting with somebody over the phone and don't tell me, I telepathically know and will book and prepare a meeting room and arrange drinks.

I smile, am sympathetic, and am happy to replace his psychiatrist /punch bag as needed - equally happy in turn to be ignored, insulted and blamed in the interests of alleviating the frustrations of senior management in the workplace - always calmly listening and trying to do better next time. I can act, sing, dance and repair the printer. I replace the information desk, directory enquiries and the post office. I am happy to get in early for meetings that (may) take place and work late for no extra money. I hate having time off - as I obviously have no family or other interests outside the joy and desire to selflessly serve in the workplace.

So I haven't been posting much on my blog.  I enjoy reading other people's blogs more than writing on mine, and I would rather talk with some of my friends what I've been going through the past months. Last week, though, as I jumped from one task to another, I felt the urge to just stop what I was doing and just write on my LJ.

Anyway. 

Yesterday's oatmeal cookie wisdom moment with friends was wonderful.  I like it when I experience eureka, as this makes me look forward to what Life has to offer.  And it's a different kind of joy when the aha moment happens with friends.   

Today is a slow day for me.  The bosses are out of the country (two are on official travel, one's on her annual leave), and I decided to come in an hour late today, ran a few errands for the bosses, had my root canal closed (after delaying it for three weeks, which also meant catching up with my super-machika dentist), went to lunch mass at the Shrine, and started on my filing.   (I almost finished filing for the guy, and I should get started soon on the other two's piles of paper.)  And I'm looking forward to having dinner with one of my girlfriends tonight, and we will both try to make sense of what we are going through over crispy pata and rice.

-

I miss my family so much these past months.  My phone bills are sky-high, and I've been buying a lot of budget cards and even use my mobile prepaid credits to call my parents and the kids from work.  I'd call twice or thrice a day and talk all four children (they're spending the entire summer with my parents), and I'm so updated with all the kiddie fights they have, the games they play, and almost everything they do.  It would have been fun to be there, but I'm also glad to be here and have my own space.

-

I might go to Colombo for two weeks this month.  I don't know why I'm supposed to join, but it sure would be nice. My boss mentioned to my colleagues that we will find time to shop. Haha. And I'm kinda glad that SQ still has misconnected flights to Colombo, which gives me 2 free stops at Singapore.  

-

Time to work again.

late this afternoon, i got really angry at work. travel agency had another booboo, and though there was quite a lot of time to fix the situation, i was really upset that i told off the agent, and emailed a complaint to the operations manager of the agency.

when i left for work, a thought struck me: i don't like getting angry anymore. i don't like myself when i'm angry. it's been about three months that i'm able to manage my temper, and i almost always choose to be happy.

i'm not saying that i will deny my feelings when i'm upset and let things that need to be reported and corrected slide, but because i know how possible it is to recover my peace right away, i want to minimize my reactiveness. it can be a challenge sometimes, especially when my compulsive need to be efficient and right gets in the way.

i'd like to be more loving, and as my dear friend would say, such moments are fertile grounds where such a desire could grow. but to paraphrase marianne williamson, such moments are also when the ego want to give in to compulsions. such moments are opportunities to choose. and i want to choose well.

by God's grace, i know i will be able to take the more loving way. and if there will be times when my need to be right get in the way of my desire to be loving, then i will forgive myself and move on to the next moment where i can choose to love truly and fully.